


Gone

by Drakojana



Series: Please Don't Go, I Love You So [3]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, don't read it if you can't handle angst i'm serious, the angst queen has reached her peak, this shit will break your hearts I'm sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 09:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11101449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drakojana/pseuds/Drakojana
Summary: "Mark, you… you don't… understand…" The words leaving Seán's mouth are so meek like he has no energy to speak. "I had to go…""What do you mean?" It's so confusing. Why is Seán talking like he did it on purpose? He can't have. He'd never leave Mark."I couldn't… Stay like this. Not anymore."





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not proud of what I've done, so after you're done reading please do yell at me in the comments.

"Where have you been?"

Why does this question sound so heavy, Mark doesn't mean to come off as angry as it makes it seem. He's just missed Seán so badly. And now his Irishman is back, he's here with him, though he won't look him in the eyes.

"I'm… really sorry."

Again, an apology. Mark doesn't need them, they won't change those six months of him being gone.

"What happened? Did Anti… Did he do something to you?"

The very thought of that _creature_ coming up with some sort of a twisted plan just to get to Mark was making him sick. He'd never forgive him if that was the case. It had to be, Seán would never leave him by himself, would he?

"No, he… He didn't. I… I just…"

It was difficult for Seán to speak, Mark could hear that. He held him like a fragile thing, pulled him towards his own chest. A hug. That's what they both needed. No matter what, everything would be okay in the end. But Seán, he -- didn't want that. The green-haired man let Mark hold him in an embrace but made no effort to return it at all.

"What's wrong? Please, I need to know. I've missed you, every night I cried thinking about you."

He sounds so broken, they suit each other now. Tears are rolling down Seán's face, he's sobbing uncontrollably and can't form any sort of a coherent response. It just had to be Anti, didn't it? He must've broken him.

"I swear I'll make him pay for this… I'm not some sort of a toy for him to play with. And neither are you." He makes it sound like a growl, possessive and protective. He had to live in separation from the love of his life for half a year. And that was half a year too long.

"Mark, you… you don't… understand…" The words leaving Seán's mouth are so meek like he has no energy to speak. "I had to go…"

"What do you mean?" It's so confusing. Why is Seán talking like he did it on purpose? He can't have. He'd never leave Mark.

"I couldn't… Stay like this. Not anymore." The Irishman wipes his eyes and straightens his back. He even pushes the American away. This doesn't make sense.

"Tell me. Tell me, what happened those six months ago? Why did you let Anti take over for so long? And why didn't you come back, even though I…" Mark wants to ask hundreds of questions swarming in his head, yet he can't even get three out as it gets interrupted by a sob. The memories of all the pain, physical and emotional come back. He sees red again.

Seán still won't meet his eyes. It's like he's avoiding his gaze, always looking somewhere else. Right now, he focuses on the hands in his lap, restlessly fiddling with his fingers.

"I couldn't take it. Mark, I… I stopped feeling. I just…" Seán grits his teeth but seeing as he tries to gather his thoughts, the American doesn't interrupt. He waits patiently if that means he'll finally get the answers.

Then, something changes. Or maybe it's changed some time ago, and Mark just hasn't noticed until now. The Irishman gets out of the bed, disregarding the other reaching out to keep him close. Seán starts pacing around the room, his expression a mix of regret and anger. Sadness and annoyance. It looks so wrong.

"I-it's not like I didn't try, I swear! I thought this would pass, that I was just feeling down… But every single day when I woke up, a-and saw your face… I couldn't understand it."

"Couldn't understand?" Mark breathes. He doesn't like the way it's going.

"Why we were together."

The American's heart drops. It falls into the pit of his stomach because those words feel heavier than any weight he can imagine.

"What?" He mouths, maybe just out of habit. He can't think of anything to say. Nothing he would come up with wouldn't cut it, anyway.

"J-just look at yourself, and me! I'm… I'm nothing. I'm worthless. Everything suddenly became too much for me and I couldn't take the pressure. I couldn't think of even one reason why someone like you would ever love me."

This is ridiculous. Unbelievable. No, impossible.

"Seán, what are you talking about?" Mark finally gets up himself. "We were so happy together… And you were always so energetic, so confident… So kind."

"I guess I was hiding my doubts well. Y-you're just… way out of my league. I'm sorry I've deceived you for so long."

Mark walks up to him and takes the Irishman's hands in his own. He has to stop this madness.

"Seán, I love you. I've always loved you for who you are. Why didn't you just tell me? If I knew… I would've helped you! We would've thought of something! There's always a solution." He wants to kiss him but the other backs off, seeing his intentions.

"Mark, please. I-it's not going to work, I just know it." His voice is shaking with an emotion the American can't pinpoint. Anger? Remorse?

"T-then… Why leave like that? Why not just… Break up with me?" The words feel heavy on his tongue but there's no other way to say it. Even if they hurt them both.

"I-I guess in a way it was… Anti's plan…"

"What?" Mark narrows his eyes. "Did he make you feel this way?"

"No, no, God no! It was actually the opposite…"

"I don't understand." He shakes his head.

Seán swallows audibly. His eyes are cast to the ground, though they still can't focus on one spot, the pupils jumping around.

"I loved you. So did he. B-but then, I started doubting myself. Doubting us, I guess. Anti… he never did. I couldn't tell you because he kept telling me to stay. That you loved me more than I could imagine, and those doubts and regrets were only in my head."

That sounds too bizarre to be true.

"S-so… Anti didn't lie to me?"

The Irishman shakes his head slowly.

"He told me… He'd prove it to me. That you love me, and that it can work out. I trusted him. So I… I stepped aside. Let him take over my life."

"And it did, didn't it? Everything worked out, r-right? He… He did make me feel loved, even though I couldn't always return it. Because I kept thinking about you…"

"No, Mark. You still don't get it!" Seán raises his voice and finally, their gazes meet. He looks just as furious as he sounds. "That wasn't me!"

"But Anti did his best… To be like you…" The American scrunches his eyebrows in an expression of hurt.

"That… wasn't me." The Irishman repeats. "He acted the same way I did when I tried to hide everything. And that's who you loved. You'd never love me if you knew how broken I was…"

"Seán…" Mark tries to cup his cheeks, but the other just slaps his hands away.

"The Seán you've fallen for doesn't exist anymore. I'm sorry." He turns away, unable to keep facing the American. "We should just… move on. Forget about it. It won't work, no matter how much we try."

Mark stares at his back with wide eyes. He feels tears gather in the corners and soon they escape from their place, running down his face.

_The Seán you've fallen for doesn't exist anymore._

It… can't be true. Can it? All this time he's been in love with just a memory?

"No…" he whispers.

"I'm really sorry. I-I guess I've changed in a way."

"No, he does."

The person he loves is still here. Mark was just too stupid to notice. Too caught up in his own grief and denial. All this time, the one he wanted and needed was right by his side. How could he be so blind?

The Irishman turns his head back with confusion written all over his face.

"What?"

"My Seán exists… But I… I drove him away…"

The other seems to catch on his line of thought.

"I-I guess it's too late now, huh?" The American smiles pitifully and that makes Seán look away again.

"Yeah. Listen, I'll just leave, and everything will eventually go back to how it should've been."

"Can I… Speak to him, one last time?"

The Irishman sighs, already on his way to the door. He's serious about leaving, it's clear.

"Please, just don't make it worse." He rests his hand on the doorknob.

"I'm begging you!" Mark shouts out. The pain in his chest amplifies when the words leave his mouth.

"It hurts me just as much, alright?!" Seán bursts out. "I-I fucking love you! But I'm not the right person for you, I just know it!"

And with that, he runs out. Out of the room, out of the house.

Out of Mark's life.

The American falls to his knees.

"How…"

His face is red and puffy from all the tears he's spilt. He speaks to himself, though every word rings in his mind only, as his voice is gone.

"How could this happen?"

All he wanted was to get Seán back. Was it too much to ask for? Maybe it was too selfish of him.

His head turns towards the bedside table. The razors… Seán… Anti has never found them. Never threw them out.

He feels something crawling under his skin and it makes him scratch his arm. His fingers itch to do it.

Should he?

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, please don't ask for a fourth part because you and I both know I will just keep writing angst. That's the whole point of the series. And I doubt we can handle it. (But seriously, if you guys want more of it then I won't say no)  
> I had a bit different plans for it, but the idea of making Jack the "bad one" was always at the back of my head. Anti deserves his love too, doesn't he? Well... I kinda took it away from him anyway. Whoops.


End file.
